I was asked to speak in Church today, Father's Day. Having congregants deliver sermons is routine in the Mormon Church. But this was no routine assignment: I was to deliver a message on the blessings and joys of being the Father of a child with a disability. God sent His Spirit to lift and comfort me and I was blessed to deliver it (mostly) in control of my emotions. I thought I'd share what I said. Here's the text of my talk:
I know that for many of you, being in my place today would be nerve wracking. But, I am really not bothered by speaking in Church. It's a place of love and acceptance. Plus, I've been asked to teach true principles, and I have a testimony of the restored Gospel, which makes my assignment easier. I frequently speak at work, and the environment‟s not so nurturing. Poor performance can even damage my career. I figure the worst that can happen today is that my message will be so off track that Bishop Rowley will decide to release me from my calling… but none of you get any ideas…
Actually, when Brother Hill called me and invited me to speak today, my biggest concern was that he only gave me 10-12 minutes! I have been the third speaker on a three speaker program when I prepared 15 minutes and had 30 minutes left; and prepared 20 minutes and had 5. I’ll do my best to stick to the 10 minute goal.
The topic I've been assigned is the challenges and blessings of being the Father of a child with disabilities. After accepting this opportunity, Cyndie's first question was “Are you going to get through that?” My first comment to Cyndie was “How do I make this a positive talk?” Allow me to make an analogy with a mission: Dealing with a disability can be monotonous, with very challenging routines. Knowing the challenges you will face, you often look for ways to circumvent them. When stacked next to each other by quantity, the positive seem to be outweighed almost infinitely. However, when compared in magnitude, each positive experience can nearly eliminate the feelings of hardship endured to get there. I was inspired in preparing this talk as I researched the topic and have found a great and humbling message to share with you.
For those who don't know, my sons both have developmental disorders on the autism spectrum. Tate is considered high-functioning and Dane has Asperger's, a milder form. The Church's new website on Disabilities,
disabilities.lds.org, summarizes as follows: “While persons with autism can't be identified by their physical appearance, they have similar attributes that can be observed. They usually have difficulties with language or communication, social skills, and behavior.” Sound familiar?
Because there is no defining outward marker for autism, until told, it can be interesting to see how people react to the boys. Dane upped the ante last year when he was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.
The Church's website has lots of great information along with fantastic explanations. I encourage you to take a look.
My goal today is to share some insights, include some personal experiences, and teach doctrine. I am going to sample liberally from a 1991 talk by President Boyd K. Packer entitled “
The Moving of the Water”, a talk I highly recommend.
DISABILITIES: WHAT AND WHY
Some teach that all suffering is somehow the direct result of sin. President Packer reinforced that this is a false doctrine. Recall what the Savior taught during his ministry. In the Gospel of John 9:1-3, we read:
“As Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
“And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents,
that he was born blind?
“Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.”
And then Christ healed the man.
It isn't always clear why disabilities occur. Elder Russell M. Nelson referenced the prophet Alma when he taught:
“For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless,
the gift of a physical body is priceless. Without it, we cannot attain a fullness of joy. “Eventually the time will come when each 'spirit and … body shall be reunited again in … perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame' (Alma 11:43). Then, thanks to the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can become perfected in Him.”
(We Are Children of God,” Ensign, Nov. 1998, 86–87)
FOCUS ON THE ETERNAL
Note that Elder Nelson ultimately focused on the eternal, the restored, the perfected. Living daily with a challenge of this nature forces a parent to look to the future, an eternal future free from the bondage of an imperfect physical body. President Packer cited President Joseph Fielding Smith as he explained that
“all spirits while in the pre-existence were perfect in form, having all their faculties and mental powers unimpaired. … Deformities in body and mind are …
physical.” (Answers to Gospel Questions, comp. Joseph Fielding Smith, Jr., 5 vols., Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1979, 3:19.) President Packer continues, “Physical means “temporal”; temporal means “temporary.” Spirits which are beautiful and innocent may be temporally restrained by physical impediments. If healing does not come in mortal life, it will come thereafter. Just as the gorgeous monarch butterfly emerges from a chrysalis, so will spirits emerge.”
DEALING WITH TODAY
Despite our best efforts, we all lose focus of our eternal goal from time to time. It is normal to spotlight the “need to do” items. Dealing with a disability—especially one that can be publicly distracting—forces us to address issues differently than most.
In a 2009 article in the Salt Lake Tribune titled “Trial of Faith: Parents, Children with Autism, and Church” we found many kindred spirits, who shared insights into how families with autistic children try to adapt, and how we struggle at Church.
The mother of an autistic son said:
"We spend our lives trying to be invisible, the family nobody notices."
The article goes on:
Indeed, many parents of children with autism give up on public worship,
weary of the frustration and embarrassment, angry with the real or perceived judgment of others.
Showing up in public places (especially where there is an expectation of reverence or decorum) can be difficult; none of us wants to be embarrassed, but most of us have sufficient pride that shame comes anyway. It is not easy to worship, or to watch the discomfort of those around you (real or perceived), when your child is consistently (and perhaps incorrectably)inappropriate.
Brent Petersen, a psychiatrist and clinical director at the Pingree Center for Children with Autism and Stake President of the Salt Lake Butler West Stake says,
"I can't tell you how many parents have come to me and said, 'We stopped coming to church. People look at us, and it's just not worth it.”
President Petersen opines "That just should not be,"
Carol Ruddell, a member of the Roman Catholic Church's Salt Lake City Diocesan Commission for People with Disabilities, agrees. "[Church] should be the most inclusive, the most accommodating, the most accessible. That's what faith is about."
Cyndie and I are extremely grateful for the encouragement, acceptance and friendship we find in our ward. Those of you here in March of 2010 may recall what we dubbed
The Longest Two Minutes in Church. As Tate was presented to the Ward to receive the Aaronic Priesthood and be ordained a deacon, things got interesting… among other antics, he decided to dismount the stand over the bulkhead rather than use the stairs, and landed on his backside. Neither parent was in a position to do anything about it, and we were mortified!
Some of the feedback we got included:
- “Joseph Smith exited the stand like that all the time” from Jeremy Lowry.
- Sandra Hill said, “I wanted to tell Alex (who was being presented to advance to the office of Teacher the same day) to do the same thing! Take the pressure off!”
- Sam Ford told his mother: Mom, I really thought he was going to stick the landing.
And when Tate ran away from the Bishop waiving his Tithing envelope and yelling “It‟s my money! He can‟t have it!” Monica Ford put her arm around Cyndie and simply said, “I think we all feel like that sometimes.”
PROGNOSIS
One of the most powerful passages in all of scripture is found in Acts Chapter 3 when a crippled man asks alms of Peter and John, Apostles focused on their mission to testify of Christ. Peter asked the man to exercise faith by looking at them, it is recorded that the man did look:
“And he gave heed unto them, expecting to receive something of them.
“Then Peter said, Silver and gold have I none; but such as I have give I thee: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth rise up and walk.
“And he took him by the right hand, and lifted him up: and immediately his feet and ankle bones received strength.
“And he leaping up stood, and walked, and entered with them into the temple, walking, and leaping, and praising God.
“And all the people saw him walking and praising God:
“And they knew that it was he which sat for alms at the Beautiful gate of the temple: and they were filled with wonder and amazement at that which had happened unto him.
I'd be lying if I told you I didn't wish every day that this happened in my home. However, President Packer taught:
“The very purpose for which the world was created, and man introduced to
live upon it, requires that the laws of nature operate in cold disregard for human feelings. We must work out our salvation without expecting the laws of nature to be exempted for us. Natural law is, on rare occasions, suspended in a miracle. But mostly our handicapped, like the lame man at the pool of Bethesda, wait endlessly for the moving of the water."
When we come to this earth, the Lord makes us two outcome promises. Our faith can
give us peace in this life and our righteousness will allow us to live with him in the world to come.
President Packer reminds us that remedy will occur. He said, “That day of healing will come. Bodies which are deformed and minds that are warped will be made prefect.”
I know that the Resurrection is real. I look forward to that day when bodies, minds, and souls are healed and perfected.
In the meantime, it is my role to look after those in my stewardship who wait by the pool of Bethesda.
Let's face it. Tim Burton has a way of ingraining his visions on us... permanently. When the OmaHecks hit Disneyland in 2009, our favorite ride was definitely The Haunted Mansion. And because we went in the fall, said mansion was decked out in all it's Nightmare Before Christmas glory. A huge hit!
